Our Beginning.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a Mom. When people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would first say “a mom” and then follow that up with “a teacher”.
I was always a natural with kids and knew that is what God put me here to do. I truly believe in my heart, God put me on earth to work with children, to make a positive impact on their life, and to be a mother. I just didn’t know the journey to becoming a mother would be so challenging.

Before Nick and I got married, we had discussed when we wanted to start our family. I would always say, “lets have a honeymoon baby”, and Nick being more rational, would say “lets wait a little bit”. As the wedding got closer, our conversations on when we wanted to start our family became more serious. I was on an acne medicine, spironolactone, and my dermatologist and OBGYN told me I needed to be off of it for at least 3 months before we started trying for a baby.
So Nick and I had decided I would stop taking my face medicine in November, and we could start “trying but not trying”. To us, this meant we would stop birth control and see what happens. If I got pregnant, awesome, and if not we would wait a little bit before actually doing ovulation tests and other things.

Late February, early March came around and I still wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t understand. I always thought I would be someone who “accidentally” got pregnant, or got pregnant right away. My mind was racing constantly. I had this gut feeling something was wrong. I had been looking up pregnancy announcements for Easter, because I was sure we could announce to our parents in a cute easter basket that they would be grandparents.
Easter came and went, another negative pregnancy test. Another emotional period. More confusion and worry.
I had my annual check up at my OBGYN in April. At my appointment, Dr. Hinton told me it takes “normal” couples 6-8 months to get pregnant, we had only been trying for about 4 months, she told me if I start to get anxious to come back in and they would get testing started. I said to her, “what if I am already anxious, I just feel something is wrong?”. She told me, then lets get those tests started now! I am so very grateful for her and the fact she let me start these tests early.
Before going through this, I had always heard that nobody will help you until you’ve been trying for a year. The fact she listened to me and trusted me, is such a blessing.

To start the testing, they wanted blood work from me on day 3 of my period, it just so happened that I was on day 3 of my period the day of my appointment. What are the chances? That was God’s timing.
That first round (day 3) of blood work was testing a lot of my hormone levels. Then I had to go back in on day 21 of my cycle and get another round of blood work done. This was testing my progesterone levels to see if I had ovulated.
They told us Nick needed to do a semen analysis as well. As you can guess, he was very excited to do this.

I did my day 3 and day 21 blood work. Nick and I had talked and we weren’t sure if we wanted to do the semen analysis yet. It was $250 and insurance didn’t cover it. We talked and decided, lets try one more time and see if I get pregnant.

Another negative test.

We moved forward with Nicks semen analysis. This was done through the lab in Fayetteville. Nick did his job, I delivered the sample, and the woman told me my doctor would have the results by the end of the day. That was the longest day of my life (or so i thought). Parkhill was waiting on Nicks semen analysis before they told us all of our test results.

I got the call, around 10:00 the next morning. I remember the nurse saying, “We have both of your test results. Nicole, your results came back good, all of your levels were in the normal ranges. However, Nicks semen analysis wasn’t good. He has low motility and morphology. We have referred you to a specialist.”
I was at school when I got this call, I had stepped into the hall, and I broke down into tears.
So many things going through my head.

What does this mean?
What is motility and morphology?
Why us?
How am I going to tell Nick?
Will I ever have a baby?

I called my mom first, because sometimes we just need our moms. She talked to me and calmed me down enough so I could call Nick and tell him. I didn’t want to sound like a mess when I called him. I had to be strong for him, even though I felt like the world was crashing down around me.

I called Nick and he knew by the sound of my voice, something was wrong. I felt so guilty. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t do anything to cause this. Yet, nothing I was saying, was helping him. This was our beginning. Our new reality.

I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone. However, I will say that this whole process has brought Nick and I closer together and brought me closer to God.
I grew up in the church, but as many of us do, I drifted away as “life” got in the way.
I am not saying its right to go to church or to pray only when you need something from God. That is not how it works, but I will say that I believe God has been talking to me from the beginning.
If you recall, at the beginning of this post, I told my doctor I had a feeling something was wrong, only 4 months into this.
I did and I have no idea why! In my heart I just felt something was wrong. Many times people have said to me, “How did you know”, and my answer is, God. He was telling me to fight for this.

“Knowing that bearing children has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God’s perfect plan frees me up from guilt and self-focused thinking. It also fixes my eyes on the Lord rather than my circumstances.” Eric and April Motl

This is our beginning and I am going to share our whole story until the end.

Blessings,

Nicole