Survive.

Through this whole journey so far, I just keep telling myself that I will survive.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the hardest thing I have ever been through.

If you know me well, you know that I am an overly emotional person to begin with. But now that the thought of never being able to have a baby is in my head, my emotions have sky rocketed. I see a baby at the store and my eyes fill up with tears. I am sure people think I am crazy, because what normal person cries when they see a baby at the store?
Every day it is hard getting onto any social media and seeing another pregnancy announcement, or birth announcement. It’s not that I am not happy for you, I am. It’s just the reminder that I want something so bad and I don’t know if I will ever get that. I don’t know if I will ever feel a baby kick inside me, or go through the pain of labor. I don’t know if I will ever get to see the look on Nicks face when he sees our baby for the first time.

For a second, imagine a time in your life when you were swamped with work, school, wedding planning, whatever it may be. Most of these things we deal with have a deadline, a time when everything is due or has to be done, and that is your “light at the end of the tunnel”. Knowing that in a certain amount of time, you will present, or your hard work will pay off and you get to marry the love of your life in a beautiful ceremony. Your stress will disappear and you will hopefully feel accomplished, happy, proud, and a weight off of your shoulders.
Think of how exhausted, stressed, worried, emotional, and any other feelings you had during one of these times. Now imagine not knowing when those feelings will go away.
Not knowing when the deadline or the “light at the end of the tunnel” is. That is a good way to look at someone who is battling infertility. There is not an answer, or a date that a doctor can give us to promise we will have a baby. There is no answer.

Yes, a doctor could give us a glimmer of hope by telling us they think we will be a successful case for IVF. But they cannot PROMISE us that we will ever get pregnant and have a baby.

THAT, is the hardest part of this. I can pray to God every day, and tell him that we are so ready for him to send us one of his children. But this isn’t something WE get to choose. This is something we have to wait on and trust in Him. So every day, is a new day. But every day, is a hard day.

I hope that in a year or two or maybe ten, I will know why God chose Nick and I to go through this battle. I know there is reason, we just can’t see it yet.

Hand in hand, we will survive.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

Blessings,

Nicole